Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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