Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
