omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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