the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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