those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
