Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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