god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
