so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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