You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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