i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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