Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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