My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
