It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
