there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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