I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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