How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
