fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
