jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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