It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
