I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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