Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
