So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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