I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
