So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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