Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
