he wants to bone in the snuggie
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
sarcasm needs its own font
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Randomize
