I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
