I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize