what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
