There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
