I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
