i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
