I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
