What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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