I faked an abortion last night.
I could make wine with my vomit
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
