I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
