we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
