I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
