i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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