Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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