I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
