38 yer olds are good kisserssss
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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