i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
