hotel room ftw
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
