Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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