imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
