I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
