i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
