I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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