The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
