I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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