I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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