Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
