sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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