I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just want nice things and good sex
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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