I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
