i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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