her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
