if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
