I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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