is your mom at the bar?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize