I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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