Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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