I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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