I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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