My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
